I didn't mention it before, but I had a sort of epiphany last week. I realised a lot of things. A lot of things. It kind of seemed to hit me all at once. To avoid going into too many boring details, I realised that all my life I have built up walls to protect myself, and that those walls had done the very thing I was trying to protect myself against. Instead of protecting me, they isolated me. Those walls were supposed to keep me from my greatest fears and from hurt, but last week I saw that those walls had put me in the situations I feared, and had caused the hurt that I was trying so desperately to avoid.
And I tore those walls down immediately.
I have felt amazing. Despite the difficulty of moving (I am referring to the emotional stress), I maintained positivity. I kept a good outlook. I said, "This is not permanent. Josh and I love each other, and we belong together. This is only temporary." And I determined to get well, and have faith that he would deal with his issues as well.
I broke today and those walls went back up.
I feel a little hopeless. I feel a little bit like I'm not capable of getting better. I wonder if Josh can take care of things. Instead of having faith and believing, I find that I'm wondering. As strange as it may sound, I'm feeling stupid. I'm feeling stupid for having faith. I'm feeling stupid for thinking I could change the way I am, the way my mind operates.
I know that's not the right way to feel, and deep down I know that hope is somewhere. When those walls were raised again, I lost it somewhere, and I don't think I can find it until I can find the strength, motivation, and the determination to destroy those walls again.
I feel like I pick up some pieces, and put parts of myself back together, but then it just falls apart again. And each time it falls apart, it breaks a little more, and a little more of me gets blown away in the wind and carried off to some unknown realm. I'm slowly losing myself, and if I can't stop falling apart, I'm afraid that soon my entire being will be small pieces of dust carried away, and then I'll never be able to find myself, and I'll never be able to put it all back together, and I'll never be able to find my way out of the dark. I feel like I'm caught in some cycle, and if I can't figure out the pattern, if I can't weave my way through, then I'll just cease to be.
Today has been amazingly rough, and has led to the above thinking, no doubt.
I sat outside tonight on the front steps of my apartment and just thought. It is unlike me to sit outside in the summer, but it was cooler outside than it was inside. I leaned against the rails and watched the cars go by, watched lights at the college turn off and on, and watched people walk by along the side walks. As I sat there, I thought to myself, "This is not the life I wanted for me. This is not what I envisioned." The truth is though, I don't know what I envisioned. I don't know where I thought I would be at twenty-four. What I do know, is that this isn't it.
So I'm going to get some rest, and in the morning I'm going to gather up all the pieces of me that I can, I'm going to put them back where they belong, and I'm going to put one foot in front of the other. I'm going to work on tearing down these walls again, and I'm going to create a vision for my life. I'm going to create a goal. A purpose. I'm not going to try to do any of these things, I'm simply going to do them. Because life isn't worth throwing away, like I once thought it was. Life is worth living. Life is a gift. And I'm going to make the most out of this gift that I can.
Goodnight everyone...everything is going to be okay.